How I Feel
by superginabean
Summary: Destiel. Different falling Castiel that works at essentially any time. Smut chapters are labeled. The winter chill begins the downward/upward/(sideways?) spiral of Castiel's emotions. Follows Dean and Cas' relationship, with a (Partly)Fallen!Cas - you'll see what I mean! R&R pretty please. Read the Authors Note. T for now, but will very soon be bumped up to M.


This is going to be a multi-chaptered fic through a Destiel relationship, with fluff, smut, and angst along the way, essentially running as long as reviewers let it run. The general storyline is with a semi-fallen!Cas, as he wrangles with his newfound semi-humanity.

I've got a loose plot-plan going in my head, but to comply with my busy lifestyle, I'm going to write it as it hits me. So, leave reviews with ANY requests, because for my first fic I'm going try to flesh out their relationship, so I'll likely be able to include your requests (Specific emotions you want to see in Cas? More of any character or any situations? Kink prompts?)

Enjoy!

* * *

It had been a month since Cas had been around. Well, just going on a month, but days were meshing with weeks around the bunker, with little to no activity in the area. And even if there had been any events, it'd be almost to cold to do anything – roads were icy, and the heating around the bunker was shoddy - so while Bobby was stuck a few highways away with family, Sam and Dean spent most of their days bundled between two to five layers and waiting until they could hunt and Bobby could return after the roads to cleared up.

"What do you want to do today?" Sam asked from the other end of the couch, flipping aimlessly through the thirteen stations the dusty T.V. barely caught, not bothering to look up at him.

"Knit, Sam. Make a snowman. I don't know," Dean replied. It was 7:00 – any things that could be done should have been done while it was at least light out, and Dean was almost ready to turn in early.

"What's up your ass?" he asked, quipping an eyebrow at him and finally looking up to Dean not looking at all tired, rather alert to the nothing that was going on.

"Nothing."

"Have you tried calling Cas lately?" Sam tried to ask casually.

"Yeah." Of course he had.

Admitting it was new, though. "Recently? How often?"

"'m not sure." That morning, actually. Everyday, more often, if he was being honest.

"Where'd he say he was going?"

"Nowhere special, I thought. I didn't think he'd be gone this long, to be honest. A week, two max."

"Do you miss him?"

Dean thought about it for a second. He didn't really have to, though.

"Yeah."

"He'll be back, soon."

"Mhhm." They stayed like that for a while, endlessly changing channels until Same gave in to sleep and was knocked out by 10:00. He wasn't about to try and sleep on a creaking couch with his mammoth brother, so he sucked it up and tossed his blanket off. He let out an exhausted breath through pursed lips as headed up the stairs to turn in, when he heard the ruffle of feathers behind him.

"Cas?" Dean turned back around.

"Dean," he looked up at him pathetically. His hair was messy and a little damp, like he'd been in a light drizzle and has coat and tie were twisted and hanging off the wrong places.

Dean wasn't as happy as he'd thought he'd be to see him. He didn't want to embrace him, or ask him where he'd been, and if he was okay. He didn't want to hear anything, from the man that'd left him hanging for four weeks. In fact, he was pissed. Really pissed. A few parts betrayed, sad, confused, and possibly relieved, but it all manifested itself as anger.

"Take the Bobby's bedroom, down the hall. He isn't here," Dean turned back up the stairs.

"Dean –"

"Cas, I don't want to talk about it. I get it, you probably got caught up in something important. I don't know, but you couldn't have dropped in, just once, to let me know you were okay? Cas, I called you everyday –"

"I heard you every time - " he stared straight at him, and came closer, until he was at the bottom of the staircase, three down from Dean.

"So you just ignored me?"

"No."

"Then what, Cas?"

"I couldn't come back, Dean," he said, lowering his head slightly, and biting his lip, "I'm sorry."

"Why-", he almost asked him, but instead he stood there, hand on the wall and mouth slightly agape. Why did you ignore me? Where were you? Dean had a million questions, which he couldn't bear to ask. "I'm going to bed"

For a second Dean thought Cas was following him when he heard footsteps behind him up the stairs, and was about to tell him to just fuck off, when he turned right, and Cas went left, down the hall. He looked over his shoulder before he went in his room, but Cas had already shut his door.

* * *

He felt his bed dip only a few hours later. Clearly, it had risen above freezing again, because he could hear the pitter of rain against the window overlooking the street a few feet from his bed in the corner. He groaned and pushed himself up and saw Castiel staring aimlessly ahead of him, who was resting his weight on his arms behind him.

"Cas? Man what'r you doing in here?" he slurred, gradually reawakening.

"I was cold, Dean." Cas told him, looking straight ahead.

"You were c-" Dean squeezed and blinked his eyes a few times, yawning, "oh, I forgot, Bobby's room isn't heating properly – there's a blanke…" he stopped, when he looked up again and saw Cas staring at him expectantly.

"What? It's in the cor-" but he stopped when the magnitude of his statement dawned on him.

"Cas, when did you start feeling temperature?" Dean reached out to grab his hand. "My God, you're freezing cold. Get up here."

Cas hesitated when Dean scooted over some and pulled the covers aside for him, but toed off his shoes and shifted himself up some.

"Hey get comfy," Dean told him, tugging on his trench and suit coat, "you should be warm enough in here. We're gonna chat for a little while."

Cas slid in a little too far, until their thighs were just barely touching and Dean could feel him breathing.

"A few weeks."

Oh. "Oh."

"I heard you every time, Dean. Every single time," he rolled onto his side, facing him, "but I couldn't get back to you. I had a few issues, while I was away."

"Like?"

"Like, a fallen angel – Demetrius – took my mojo. Not all of it, but enough. I rested for a while, and some of my brothers gave me bits of theirs, but none of it was completely compatible to me. So I couldn't get back to you. Dean, I tried so hard," he swallowed a few times, "but I couldn't. I physically couldn't. Every time I tried, and failed, I lost more energy, and just had to wait longer. I was so," he rubbed his eyes furiously a few times and bit his lip for second, until he could continue, "frustrated, Dean. It was so hard. And now, I'm feeling all these things, and I don't know what they are, and I'm just so –"

"Hey," Dean stopped him, "don't tire yourself out. You need to rest. Let's get you asleep, close your eyes."

Cas looked stuck, his eyes darting all over Dean's face, like he wanted to say more, and hear more, but also knew the Dean wouldn't budge. So he closed his eyes and relented, falling into much needed rest.

* * *

AN: I honestly was going to upload the second chapter tonight because I've had some extra time this weekend, but in copy and pasting some things I ended up losing it… so I have to rewrite :( Spoiler alert: Cas is horny! I'm gonna try to upload it by the end of this week. After I get over the tedious hump of rewriting, I'll probably update pretty often (Chapters nightly? bi-nightly? Reviews help me decide ;)


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